So I don’t know why…but I want to talk about love. Everyone does at some point, publically I mean, but talking about love can go from being corny to pretty damn awesome. It’s exactly where I am at. Not unrelated to this…I have been thinking a lot about ‘The X Files’ off late – strange I know, maybe even a little geeky? I couldn’t really be bothered with that…I think it reminds me of my dad – it’s the one thing we could watch together, no matter what. I think we pretty much planned the Sunday around it. Dad on his lazy boy – watching this funny show about UFOs and paranormal activity. The ‘Truth’ was out there alright! But it was so much fun watching it with my dad. Sigh...you know, I feel like I have never really allowed myself to publically miss or talk about my dad...and with this post I want to pay tribute to him somehow... So this one is for you dad :-)

Gosh our parents can drive us crazy… I mean there were times when I truly believed that I was going out of my mind… and my dad was as the very heart of the problem! I wondered why he was so different from me – why he was so protective, sometimes too stern and many times not as cheerful as I would have liked him to have been. I was to some extent ‘careful’ around my dad…I was almost another version of myself… I guess that happens to some of us?…I don’t know. But I will never ever deny that directly or indirectly he has taught me more than I will ever realize and whatever I know and have today is because he told me in some way that I could do or have it. It’s the sort of thing that happens when you are not looking; it’s a product of that sort of love between a parent and child… I miss him every day, I know I carry him with me in my heart and all that…but it is never the same. The raw pain of losing a parent…the very reason for your existence, the representation of the only thing in your life you knew to be a constant and somehow thinking it would last forever… to not be there anymore…it’s like getting all the air sucked out of your body and then getting punched in the gut. Yup…it’s exactly like that. I know a lot of people have lost a parent...and I know I am not alone in the pain I deal with every day… but you really can’t get over this sort of thing. It’s the sort of heartbreak that stays, because it’s the sort of love that never goes away.  

It will be two years this month and I know where ever he is, he is happy and healthier than he ever was down here, probably got the place super organized and is sitting back with a whiskey in hand watching me fumble and run around with my life now :-) I’m sure there’s stuff he’d rather I not do… but I’ll do it anyway :-) there is also a lot of things that he will be very happy to see happen for me.. and well that will continue.

I think for the first time I actually feel at a loss for words… it’s the love I tell you. It’s not just because I miss him.

But there is some good that can come of a love like this that gets cut short too soon and that is this… you learn to measure every other disappointment or heartbreak with this one… wait... this is not to say that they are in any way comparable, but just that it’s a way of getting some perspective on what would have ordinarily hurt you. So suddenly nothing feels that bad anymore, you feel a little lighter... maybe it’s because you somehow got stronger… you take more and give more to everything you do and trust me when I say this… with every single relationship (with ANYONE) you love more! Because you want them to know that if you ever (God forbid) lost them… your love would never ever go way. And so that fierceness… that passion to love… fills you. Some people say it’s because you realize life is too short and you want to start really ‘living’.. but I don’t know. I think it’s just that you start loving more… you love your life and the people in it much more… and learn to forget the crap you were worried about and count your blessings. I know that’s what happened to me.

So dad, for you, I love more. And that’s the biggest lesson I learned from having to live without you.

PS. I lost my dad in November 2009; he was just fine, but slipped away from us suddenly and almost mercilessly. Also know that while this was hard for me to write or talk about,  I am okay :-)