So I don’t know why…but I want to talk about love. Everyone does at some point, publically I mean, but talking about love can go from being corny to pretty damn awesome. It’s exactly where I am at. Not unrelated to this…I have been thinking a lot about ‘The X Files’ off late – strange I know, maybe even a little geeky? I couldn’t really be bothered with that…I think it reminds me of my dad – it’s the one thing we could watch together, no matter what. I think we pretty much planned the Sunday around it. Dad on his lazy boy – watching this funny show about UFOs and paranormal activity. The ‘Truth’ was out there alright! But it was so much fun watching it with my dad. Sigh...you know, I feel like I have never really allowed myself to publically miss or talk about my dad...and with this post I want to pay tribute to him somehow... So this one is for you dad :-)

Gosh our parents can drive us crazy… I mean there were times when I truly believed that I was going out of my mind… and my dad was as the very heart of the problem! I wondered why he was so different from me – why he was so protective, sometimes too stern and many times not as cheerful as I would have liked him to have been. I was to some extent ‘careful’ around my dad…I was almost another version of myself… I guess that happens to some of us?…I don’t know. But I will never ever deny that directly or indirectly he has taught me more than I will ever realize and whatever I know and have today is because he told me in some way that I could do or have it. It’s the sort of thing that happens when you are not looking; it’s a product of that sort of love between a parent and child… I miss him every day, I know I carry him with me in my heart and all that…but it is never the same. The raw pain of losing a parent…the very reason for your existence, the representation of the only thing in your life you knew to be a constant and somehow thinking it would last forever… to not be there anymore…it’s like getting all the air sucked out of your body and then getting punched in the gut. Yup…it’s exactly like that. I know a lot of people have lost a parent...and I know I am not alone in the pain I deal with every day… but you really can’t get over this sort of thing. It’s the sort of heartbreak that stays, because it’s the sort of love that never goes away.  

It will be two years this month and I know where ever he is, he is happy and healthier than he ever was down here, probably got the place super organized and is sitting back with a whiskey in hand watching me fumble and run around with my life now :-) I’m sure there’s stuff he’d rather I not do… but I’ll do it anyway :-) there is also a lot of things that he will be very happy to see happen for me.. and well that will continue.

I think for the first time I actually feel at a loss for words… it’s the love I tell you. It’s not just because I miss him.

But there is some good that can come of a love like this that gets cut short too soon and that is this… you learn to measure every other disappointment or heartbreak with this one… wait... this is not to say that they are in any way comparable, but just that it’s a way of getting some perspective on what would have ordinarily hurt you. So suddenly nothing feels that bad anymore, you feel a little lighter... maybe it’s because you somehow got stronger… you take more and give more to everything you do and trust me when I say this… with every single relationship (with ANYONE) you love more! Because you want them to know that if you ever (God forbid) lost them… your love would never ever go way. And so that fierceness… that passion to love… fills you. Some people say it’s because you realize life is too short and you want to start really ‘living’.. but I don’t know. I think it’s just that you start loving more… you love your life and the people in it much more… and learn to forget the crap you were worried about and count your blessings. I know that’s what happened to me.

So dad, for you, I love more. And that’s the biggest lesson I learned from having to live without you.

PS. I lost my dad in November 2009; he was just fine, but slipped away from us suddenly and almost mercilessly. Also know that while this was hard for me to write or talk about,  I am okay :-)

I am about to talk about something I have no major experience with (I will qualify major later) but will share observations on what I have encountered in general. I might add that this post comes after  month (or more) long break – filled with birthdays (mine) , weddings (not mine) and a difficult goodbye to my sister who has skipped the country, I guess with the internet it is never really bye and no she is not a fugitive or anything!

The thing I have chosen to discuss today is this illusion of freedom that anywhere we go – barring your own home if you are as lucky as me – you are made to believe you have. Companies, schools, colleges, relationships even… all share that common goal – give prospect (sucker) the illusion of this shiny beautiful thing called freedom. This may be freedom to wear what you want, work how you would like, speak how you would like… I think you catch my drift here. Now the reason I say I have no major experience here is because I have never ‘struggled’ FOR my freedom. I am just enjoying (or not) the convoluted version of freedom someone else fought for. SO… what I am getting at is this. In order to have you become a part of this aforementioned company, school or couple.. you will be told very many things. Trust me, you have heard it all before – ‘it does not matter how many hours you work, its only how much you get done…you have to pick projects to enable your growth’..’in 6 months you will see a promotion’…’This college encourages students to experiment and undertake ANY research project’..’you can choose any elective you want..’... ummm yeah.. sure.

Two months later, you are wondering what happened to all those glossy freedoms and whom you should secretly plot to overthrow or kill for having deprived you the freedoms you were so convincingly promised. It makes me sick actually. I mean when did we have to start lying about stuff like this. And when did it become okay to have to sucker someone into stuff like this? At the risk of sounding a tiny bit offensive, is this an Indian thing? It’s funny that I sit here and ask these questions – I am a marketing professional, it’s sort of the name of my game. Making something seem better than it is, so tons of people will buy/subscribe to it..making my bosses very happy and rich! But wait..today I stand on the other side of the fence..offended.

I am sick and offended…yes. Though I can’t quite figure out which I would prefer. Would I rather have someone lie to me to convince me to do something I probably would not, and then realize later I am disappointed and angry? or pick between some not-so-great realities and know up front that this is as good as it gets? I am inclined to say I’d prefer the latter. Okay so maybe I won’t be as kicked as I would be if someone had promised awesome things I’d later never get, but at least if anything ‘good’ happens it’s a bonus, and not charity.. you know? 

As a second observation to this, I also have to say how these ‘liars’ appear to be following some sort of established code. The code is yes you can have all this stuff, what they won’t tell you is ‘conditions apply/policy dictates’…otherwise. It’s nothing short of amazing how these policies/conditions will be applied swiftly, as though created by the universe itself somehow being completely outside of the control or manipulation of the enforcer…wow. I am really not sure about the success freedom, I mean real freedom, has had in all these spheres I have mentioned. But if people have to lie about giving it to you, it must be pretty attractive no? considering how much it would ‘cost’ to really give it to you . I think if it stopped, we may be walking around in a world like in that movie ‘The Invention of lying’…or something like it anyway. I suppose I am generalizing quite a bit, but I am awfully tired of being told how cool something can be only to find out that I will never ever experience it!

In other news… I am closer than ever before to identifying what I will write about. By publicizing this I am now committing (with no lies) to a constant stream of writing (no guarantees on  quality) in the near future, once existing commitments are done and dusted.. it will be a more mature story I hope. Till then I will be balancing swallowing such tough pills as spoken about earlier here and gaining the much required inspiration I need to go forward with plans for later in the year.

I am also planning to take a good long vacation (long by my standards) in December and when I do, I am mostly hoping to escape from this constant stream of lies I have been subject to this year. Its tiresome to pick yourself back up every time you are disappointed, and some good R&R is all I need to revive my faith in the world again..also so I can continue to lie to others to make a living :-) I am also beginning to notice.. I am complaining a lot on my blog.. hmmm gots to stop the madness! :-)

Ah yes… Incredible India. Don’t get me wrong I am as pro-India as it is humanly possible by me to be BUT my recent experiences (highly common occurrences you will see) begs the question…is every part as incredible as we would like it to be?

I took a small little weekend day trip to Mysore and areas in the vicinity because - brace yourself- I have been living as an outcast for over a decade now – I’ll explain! I have never been to Mysore or their zoo or to Brindavan Gardens before July 2011. Yes! It’s true, while I have had the good fortune to see many places, these were not some of them, and so many times I would find myself being asked this and then being reacted to with a “what??!! you have never been??” like I had just said I have married an alien or something! Whatever… so I shed my outcast status at last and took the much spoken about tour of places to see in and around Mysore…Well the good news is I saw what could have been the last few tigers of our species or generation that I might live to see – side note – they seemed horribly weak and miniaturized by their enclosures, even if MS Dhoni and the likes have adopted them, and well I just found myself choke up a bit when I saw them! The bad news– I shudder to report – is that it appears that people on the road have no necessity to ever answer natures call. Again I’ll explain. The chances of you finding a usable loo is about as likely as me finding a cure for cancer as I write this post (sadly it did not happen).

The real question is ... why? If you are going to have a restroom some place, wouldn’t anyone enjoy using a clean, odor-free one?? I mean do I have to be educated and from the ‘city’ to earn the privilege of four walled stalls WITH a ceiling I might add and functioning apparatus?? Is that really the last thing people think of organizing when setting up events, restaurants, tours..etc.. I mean really? That little bottle of water I will get if I take a nice AC bus to Mysore is just expected to.. I don’t know..evaporate or something?  I’ll have you know I was also attacked by a praying mantis on one rest stop! (NOT FUN!) and okay this is only in the case when you are actually lucky enough to encounter a restroom! Several places don’t even have one!! I mean what the hell is that about? men have their back up options (YUK)…but women.. how is this not a basic right or need?? Enough said!

So while my sanitation woes will never cease.. the next part of my ranting is dedicated to the three million street vendors I encountered during that trip (exaggeration, but it felt like three million). I believe that they have as a group made it IMPOSSIBLE for people to take a tour of any place without having their faces stuffed with some food! What happened to taking in the sights? Instead you’re taking in anything from bhutta to some bizarre smelling papaya! Basically anything on a push cart (read E coli breeding ground). Now while eating may be tolerable if you ignore everyone with you, it’s the after effects that are the real trouble! Most monuments and tourist attractions are now unrecognizable under the pile of garbage that graces its surface… let’s talk about Brindavan Gardens here. Oh My GOD!!! North gate, South Gate (ummm can you tell the difference really?), where from the parking lot right up to the fountain ( I have a whole other opinion about this) is packed with OBNOXIOUS street vendors… bhajjis, bondas, gobi manchurian, popcorn, BHUTTA, smelly papaya..the list is endless… and the Gardens inside and out are barely noticeable to a visitor! Even if I had to come to these gardens having starved for a day, I would not under any circumstances want to eat, smell or even see if can help any of these horrifying delights these vendors were passing off as food.

So they are not only completely violating every last inch of space available here, the waste left behind by the hordes of people feasting on these things is inexplicable… it’s just filth everywhere the eye can reach, and finally the ‘garden’ is no more… I really went with above average expectations and came back feeling grossly disappointed and in need for a good hot bath!

Now before I leave this talk of Brindavan gardens I also want to talk about this musical fountain show here. At the risk of sounding horrible.. can anyone tell me what the fuss is about? Because I did not get it. The fountain rose to max height of 5 feet, at which point blue, red and green lights shone through the water to the tune of an Usha Uthup song. Has television and Singapore (that's where I last saw a good one) spoilt me? Or was that bad? I made some pretty lousy jokes while watching this show – not to be repeated here! But I was really let down by this… really let down… people were gathered in that gallery area only to be met with something, that in my personal opinion could have been done way better and with some heart!! It’s like they are not even trying.. there were people from everywhere gathered there, eating sticky ice cream (inviting ants to where I was sitting by the way) hooting and shouting and totally building up my expectations…and then there was that! If you happened to be staring at the dam behind the garden or watching the sunset you could very easily MISS THE ENTIRE show…

I think this stems from the fact that as ‘India’ we are almost aspiring to keep low standards. I will not believe ‘This is India, it can’t be helped!’ or ‘you can’t do anything about it!’… NO! I’m not saying spend a ton of money of things like fountains, but take measures to see that even what you do offer, is done well. Taking pride in doing it right (even if it is a musical fountain show) and making people have a decent experience without having to wade through garbage should be the top of the list item of this tourist attraction. Yet all that entry fee is literally eaten up.. It’s a pity really. A shame actually. Now I will also say the a majority of these people visiting tourist attractions in India are to blame for the filth. Its part of the low standard experience right? this theory is very ‘chicken and egg’ – so see I am not sure which came first but if the standards of the attraction are maintained so low, people do not have the respect they should for the surrounding area, and so they misbehave, litter.. and all that OR since people have been so hardwired to believe the bare minimum is the best these tourist attractions give them exactly that. Either way one ‘encourages’ the other, till finally every garden, museum or statue will be sure to deliver only the most underwhelming experience to any visitor.. siigghhhh…. It’s really not easy to be blind to this! It’s something I would love to help address even, but I have absolutely NO IDEA where I would even start.

On the journey back to the city late that night I thought about the things I had seen – the Mysore Palace, St. Phelomena’s Church, Chamundi Hill, Tipu’s fort and Brindavan gardens.. it was just okay for me. While they all were packed with promise of good views and great history, the experience had been diminished by the lack of respect for all these places and the explosion of street vendors and the waste they left in their wake! I guess the only good thing by then was is I did not have to use the loo any more.. (take that praying mantis! <shudder>)..

If you had to describe or rather introduce yourself (with a small description) to a complete stranger, how would you do it? Would you state your qualifications? Would you tell them where you worked or study, or would you let your clothes/body/attitude... whatever… do the talking? Would you size up this stranger first and very quickly state in your opinion what would create a good first impression of you for them? Or would you force on them, like many many people do, a call-centre-pizza-home-delivery-phone-order-taker style rendition (elevator pitch version) of your resume till you have either shocked or obnoxiously shouted at them your reasonably (un)impressive list of credentials no matter who they are or how much(little) they care?

I judge everyone who answered yes to any of the above…but that would also mean I judge myself. I DO NOT consciously do any of these things (perhaps because at some level I am not yet satisfied with my credentials, I’ll get to this.. or NOT) but because if I were to hear an impressive intro I would well… be impressed. I am seriously starting to wonder, what about anyone should really matter to me…and why we feel the need to have a standard  system for impressions and likability of people in most set ups..

I began thinking this early last week when I stumbled upon certain websites, videos and conversations on the authority and/or superiority complex people anywhere tend to suffer from and how easy it has become to judge or assess anyone on meaningless things!… and above all other feelings I think the one that really stood out in me was real annoyance! I then began to realize that this negative emotion is really a product of being subject to this from every corner, even those you’d never suspect, till finally all you are doing is making snap judgments based on semi facts about people and things that will be meaningless in a day to day context.

But then this impression based judgment extends to everything—I mean literally everything! From buying toothpaste to your choice of car, or why you don’t get a job you are qualified to do (you did not ‘market’ yourself i.e give them what they want to hear), politicians in power all over the world… or who you are friends with..the list is endless. So wait I am getting ahead of myself here.. I’ll go back to the original problem. I was considering altering the way I would introduce myself to people from now on—I would say ‘ Hi I’m Shruti! I love Chinese food, I hate cockroaches and I can’t understand what the big deal is about Lady Gaga’… I imagine this will get a laugh out of friend types (one would hope), but if I said this at a job interview or to someone a generation or two ahead of me in life (sum total of work, family...) I would be looked at like I was crazed! But why… doesn’t this introduction say something about me? That I did not sound like every other 20 something professional, makes me non-conformist with integrity, that I like Chinese implies I am global citizen (errmm.. pushing it here)…that I dislike cockroaches suggests a strong sense of cleanliness for my surroundings (always good to have) and that I can’t understand the hype about Lady Gaga shows I am a thinking individual and will not go with herd mentality and would never EVER wear a dress made of meat :). Now isn’t that something? If instead I had belted out my professional credentials (not necessarily qualifications that would blow your mind) I would be assessed by that and my credibility and capability will be wholly determined by what I HAVE done…and not what I CAN DO or WHAT I AM! Potential is not constant in my opinion, so if you are going to take my existing achievements/state as an indication of who I am and what I can do.. well it may not pan out exactly as expected and exactly what gave them any authority to do that! Wait so this theory is complex and I am grossly oversimplifying here, because I would hardly want people in big ‘life changing’ jobs to be hired based on subjective views… so let me apply this to everything outside of the corporate world.

I met someone recently who wanted to talk about people by the amount (in Rupees) they are worth. And then not to sound THAT terrible talk about how ‘humble’ they are despite being worth so much (ummm humility is in her opinion not openly flaunting money)… people constantly compare Indians from various regions.. skin colour, eye colour, hair colour..brains and beauty.. how smart they are, how kind they are. All based on one small glimpse… I guess this has gotten to me! That people widely regard themselves as authorities on OTHER people and what a set of features in them represents , really pisses me off! Now I thought about this a little before publishing and decided that while judging is TOTALLY necessary in many contexts –picking an employer/employee, a life partner and schools, etc. it does not mean that definitions are written in stone..

Now another funny thing about judgmental people is that once we encounter them we NEVER ever again see them as anything but being judgmental.. so in a way they have perpetuated a judging cycle!!! I think I am losing the plot here.. so I am going to steer this back to my initial point.. I want to figure out what about a person should or should not help me determine if I will ever talk to them again and not go with what everyone has now been trained to believe are the only parameters… and I want to start consciously applying this to all spheres where I interact with people..  in the way I communicate- start impressing upon people an unexpected ‘first impression’ of myself as a survey of my theory. I also want to not react when met with a less than enthusiastic response to my range of introductions. I am not sure how the systems we have in place today came to be… why where I work or how much I make or what my next step is.. Should make any difference to my neighbours cousin twice removed..I am actually so insulted when asked that question by someone I barely know! I want to make sure I in my own tiny way am never carried away by a walking CV or great looks or anything that is neatly packaged. I think there is something to be said for what all you do to create a ‘neat little’ perception of yourself.. and its in all that you do and say to create it,  that REALLY says something about you and how you look at other people. You can make a millions, have studied in the best schools and drive the fanciest cars (perception I’m working hard and living big) but if you throw your gum wrapper in the elevator or talk to your nanny like your own them or don’t even say hello before you ask me where I work… I judge you for that!  Because what that says is about you is much more that your college degree!

I think I also want to be more conscious about what something unsaid says about a person than what is said.. so I’m going to give lil miss ‘how much are they worth’ another shot… this time I’ll see what choice comments she will have about South Indians and their ‘looks’(ummm no points for guessing where she is from) and read between the lines… maybe somewhere I will discover she is not a bad as she sounds! I also might add that this post is terribly random and a week too late.. but I stuck with it..says something about me? (I think not :))

It’s definitely been an interesting few weeks. As always the weekends have been packed and the weekdays have been good too. I’ve also had a fresh set of revelations (maybe that’s a bit extreme) but it’s a  combination of strange (not known by me) people telling me something super insightful and some odd reading and pondering. I am also in love with Spain (again)! Who knew a Hindi movie could do it for me…but have you seen ‘Zindagi Na Milegi…’? It is literally proof of my earlier concept. The whole story (mostly based in Spain) is about- in some parts- how life is more than just about chasing money and satisfying everyone but yourself. The movie miserably fails to explain how one can begin to ‘live’, in Spain no less (I can jump out of planes too), without pursuing the aforementioned things. Yes… sad but true. But well a new aspiration was born; go to Spain before I’m 30! :-)

So it’s been cold and rainy in Bangalore and the evenings are perfect for a walk or jog…it was also the setting for a conversation I had with someone I did not know too well. I have been doing some research, to figure out what it takes to start and run a business, in the hope that someday I will filter out the various noises in my head and act on a good idea. If I ever have the opportunity to meet someone I know has done or is doing this, I am quite unashamed to ask them many questions. So there I was… enjoying the cold breeze, when someone I have barely spoken to, began walking with me. Side note: I have in all honesty been giving the whole ‘yes’ thing an good go. This means that I am not necessarily saying YES, but at least not resisting what I usually might.

I enjoy my time to myself in the evening, where I can just walk and it’s dark, silent (music on of course) and beautiful actually. Well along comes this person I hardly know, let’s call her SHE. SHE tells me something that starts a conversation and before you know it, SHE actually says I am just latching myself onto you :-) My old self may have resisted a bit, but well…I just went with the flow this time (refer side note :-) ). We walked side by side for a good long time, and in that time the conversation went from scandalous (yes we discussed some real classy rubbish) to serious stuff. In order to protect her privacy I will tell you just this much…that SHE has co-founded two huge businesses and is possibly on her way to number 3. She is unapologetic and passionate, which could well be misunderstood for obnoxious or arrogant, but I actually found it sort of endearing and inspiring!  If you ask her she would probably tell you her entire story because she seems to be bursting at the seams with it! Or maybe I just bring it out in people (Ooppss.. did I just brag a bit? But no, it seems to just happen, I can make people really spill the beans at times…how does that happen??! I don’t know really). So we are walking and I’m asking her all these questions about what drives her to do it, how does she come up with the next big idea and…how does she keep things fresh. You know? She told me a lot of things and I got a sense of what she probably gave up to achieve this extent of success or prosperity if you will– but I will digest this and give you a condensed version – its common sense, a well laid out plan and fearlessness. I was going to ask her about where that first bit of capital came from, but well it just felt like I might be crossing a line then! I think one of the reasons this conversation touched me, is because while it came from someone who probably cared very little about me, it was still good advice! And off late I have been giving a lot of thought to doing something substantial and enterprising… so I’m at this cross road, where I want to do something and I am not sure where and if I should start…and here is someone who knows nothing about me telling me, do it! She tells me I’m at that age where the timing is perfect! I am not sure if this is coincidence or a sign from the universe :-) but it felt good…I have to admit that. Our conversation finished with her telling me that she liked that I had so many questions and that the person she had co-founded her companies with had once shared an email of mine with her (do not ask me yet, what this email was about :-) it’s a story for another time.. and in reality was quite casual) and they both had decided they liked me :-) something about the words I used that conveyed something difficult in an easy way… and there! In a flash, from someone I would not have thought cared enough, a little push and smidge of inspiration! but wait you think I’m overstating things.. romanticizing it even.. I also asked her if she gave up a lot to get where she did… and she said yes! She does not remember the first few years of her married life.. so hence proved  - you can’t want it all and have it all too..

But it’s lovely no?  How you can keep meeting people like this… if you gave yourself the chance and trust me I TRY to dive straight in. I’m not sure why I am sharing this, it’s not because I want to brag or anything (yes she paid me a compliment, but I’m still such a small fry :-) ), it’s just that I want to tell you that stuff like this.. stuff you don’t try or resist or ignore can be that tiny little step in a very large chain of events.. I mean I truly believe it can be.

She gave me tons to think about…I’m already thinking about this so maybe the environment was perfect, but she gave me a glimpse into the exciting aspects of a life I might want for myself. I’ve also begun to give very serious thought to how I will afford the million holidays I have planned… but most of all I think I am really just making a decision of whether I want to keep playing it safe and in the long run do enough and give myself the things I want..OR go big..and jump in head first and try to do something out of 'my' ordinary (I truly think ordinary is a relative term here, so I say MY)…that is the true cross road I am at.. What do I think will be ‘extra'ordinary and what do I want to do when I grow up :-) I could really use some chocolate cake now.. :D its really food for my thoughts!

I love moments like this..I take a mental picture for myself of it and now, with this post, I’m preserving the feeling in a little tiny space online where some of you may read..and ponder the same things.

At the risk of sounding corny – the cross road, the journey, the inspiration.. the reason to keep getting up every day ..whatever you want to call it, is so much more exciting than knowing or reaching the final destination… it’s probably what makes us feel young and alive..or something like that :-) I wonder why we work so hard to undo this!

This weekend was lovely... I spent it with all my favourite people. I also spent a small fortune on a handbag (hand crafted by Gujarati tribal folk) so beautifully bright and embellished for sheer joy, at the ‘Pause for a Cause’ event . Did I pause or what. Any-who, the bag is a collectors item, it shall be inherited from me! so totally worth the amount I spent on it, plus hey it was for a good cause (Concern India foundation raises funds at this event for grass root level programs they run around India). And okay that was NOT all I bought.

Another thing I did this weekend was to leave my car at home and take the bus. Hmmm so that’s really NOT a big deal at all - except of course it was WAY cheaper, the only downside is the more-than-occasional GAWKING co-passenger, I can’t figure this one out really... But that’s not what I am getting to.

So there are just a hand full of instances where I am okay with silence (at work sometimes, when I sleep and when I write...wait that’s it). At every other waking moment I must have sound. I just have to have it. It’s as though I need sound outside my head to resonate with the sound of the thoughts in my head so that I can be at ease with myself (a quick little theory for you there)... So whether its music or the TV in my room, its always ON (I multitask). sometimes I almost feel like the cast of ‘whatever show I’m watching’ is in my room! So  while I was on my way (on a bus) somewhere, I had my music on of course and I wandered to a thought I’ve had many times... I often enjoy how in movies or short TV shows, everything (READ life) just happens in one neat little montage with some really decent music too! We’ve seen a ton of spoofs on this, perhaps an actual montage or two you may have liked (come on, you can admit it).. and its just so silly and weird and wonderful all at once. It’s had me thinking of how my theme song to life/montage would be...I know I’m not that ‘important’..But that won’t stop me. Its my private (not anymore) little joke.. So I will be all ‘bittersweet symphony’ if I’m on my way to something routine or tiring or requiring that I wake up early in the morning (this sounds like something no? :-)) especially on Mondays! On some particularly happy days I will be in favour of something sweet, about love perhaps! And so of course I’ll be smiling (to myself) happy and gooey, listening to anything from Frank Sinatra (come fly with me) to Ella Fitzgerald (the nearness of you) or Oasis (Wonderwall) and Jason Mraz (I’m yours) -- don’t judge me! There’s also a ton of ‘I’m-in-a-happy-almost-kick-ass-mood’ when I’m going out or have to drive really far...but it will take me somewhere fun and it just the start of a free free day! Those can be anything... and I will be listening imagining myself to be in some silly montage with this as my theme song! I’ve had “born to be wild’ moments and ‘R-E-S-P-E-C-T’ ones too! its so funny now when I share this with you, but may be you out there will feel this too!? (ummm there’s a chance there was something slipped in my coffee this morning, which might affect... nah). So my bus journeys this weekend had some particularly uptempo music setting the tone and that was probably why I had such a good time with it.

Combine looking out of the window and just the right kind of ‘theme song’ and I’m in my own little slice of heaven on earth, starring in the movie from my head (self centred much??). I love that simple things like this can work wonders for me. So yeah this montage theory contributes heavily to how I feel about what I am doing, or can help improve how I feel about what I am doing (I suppose this is universal). It can take you back to when you first heard that song or who you were with and what was going on (so it’s a  flash back montage...hahaha). I find that I have my best ideas when I am on the move (the key is I should NOT be driving myself), but what does seem to happen more often than not is I forget what I think!

I have super surge of an idea in that montage-like-moment, and then the moment passes and after that its like a name at the tip of your tongue you can’t seem to remember. I hate that! It’s too many conversations in my head, and no one is taking notes. That’s the problem... I have had flashes of at least 10 other posts for this blog yesterday and today it is as though they never happened.

It’s becoming clearer though that inspiration is a state of mind, that will need many different things to be sustained, long enough for you to remember everything you need to before you can leave it.

Have you seen this movie ‘Yes-Man’? It’s funny and all that (I was laughing pretty hard that Friday night that I did catch this. It’s also worth noting I am very lenient on Friday evenings, and so even just-okay things will fly). So yeah, jokes apart (not entirely possible with a Jim Carrey flick)... the idea is quite interesting no? (For anyone who does not follow, its basically the idea of ‘embracing life’ by saying yes to anything anyone asks you to do!)  I’ve started weeks going “I’m going to try that!” What if I say yes to anything that comes my way, no second guessing, no restrictions, just an unadulterated YES! I have not even survived 15 minutes with this idea mind you... today was going to be YES day, but ummm...NO. Now I bring this up,because it is my belief that this is one of those ‘go with the flow’ ways of living that will sustain ideas...If I said yes to..whatever.., I may have had an experience worth thinking, writing and sharing about, MAYBE.. So the key to wondrous possibilities lies entirely in the unknown space of of recklessness and blind agreement to stuff that’s asked of you. That’s what I think, but I don't quite have the patience to stick to this plan!

I can see that to be inspired, you need just this - a journey...movement.. constant sounds and sights and the ability to give in and stop being in your own damn way! Oh..a pen and paper or recorder handy!...and a killer theme song! ;-)

I am so awestruck and inspired by people who can put their thoughts into words and share them with just about anyone. I will read a blog or article online and find my mood just elevating as I read line by line of someone’s life and thoughts and friends (or frenemies if you will..), relating to parts of it and laughing at the rest. So what right? So let me just back up for a second here.  Well, I like many many many many people am searching for that tiny slice of inspiration you need to keep you going. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m reaching an age milestone (25, yeeahhh!) or it’s just because I am desperate for something to break the monotony of day to day life or it’s just because I want to make my presence felt, even if it’s on some time tiny little self-fashioned blog talking about my stupid problem of being bored..(yes yes.. its everyone’s problem)

By inspiration I am not talking about anything that EPIC you know, it’s just that yummy feeling that takes over you because you’ve found something or someone interesting to think about and then that idea in your mind starts multiplying at the slightest provocation till your brain bubbles up in a happy, deliciously good-for-you froth of ideas that may never see the light of day but gave you a good trip through the day…ah yes. Inspiration. I think I’m using it as a one word substitute for ‘getting-what-I-think-is-a-good-idea-and-a-good-use-of-my-time’, the bounce in my step… the thing that makes you want to get up every day and get moving?! (too far?)

Off late it’s been a super dry spell… I cannot for the life of me think of a decent enough plot for a story. I know I want to write a story (for anyone who cares and got this far here is one of my blogs http://shrutiwritingoutloud.blogspot.com) but I cannot get my brain to come up with something that does not suck! And then it hit me…wait.. I could, if I was just the right amount of mad and jobless talk about this.. whatever it is I want to! I’ve read a ton of people’s blogs… they talk about EVERYTHING (forget pets and crappy boyfriends, I’m talking about the ugly stuff), and well while I never intend to get ugly, I will get mindless (its relative). Just for a while, till I come up with a juicy idea and that gets me writing a REAL story. If you are reading, you can help inspire me and yourself perhaps along the way (Awww what a talk show moment, that one...)

There are so many many conflicting principles at play when you talk about the lack of inspiration and the monotony of a twenty something’s day to day life. So yeah… I happen to like my job, it’s not that I don’t, but you know I still think I’m doing time. It’s that whole, bottom of the ladder crawling my way up (hmmmm, or so I believe -->Super jaded alert!) scenario, the time to sweat a bit, waste all my ‘free time’ working and worrying, till I wake up and realize, I have no life.. and wait I’m FAT! (wow do I digress)… and see I lead with my JOB there. You got to admit it takes up a decent portion of life! Okay so while the last bit is not true (I have free time and I’m in good enough shape for now) I realize that nothing is exciting me anymore. I’ll get to the conflicting principles. I am bored and living for the weekends (particularly Fridays because I think the idea of a weekend is almost better than the weekend itself). I’ve tried things to get out of this… there’s all the good people in my life who I lurve and spend oodles of time with (four legged variety included), BUT you know they just inspire me to love the crap out of them. That’s all. And then there’s the view from my balcony (so gorgeous and the only way to ‘enjoy’ an excavated Bangalore city road, yes I said enjoy , or the moonlit sky), there’s the travel channels (HATE to love them, what life is that being in fancy hotels eating all that food, soaking up the sun in all those exotic and expensive places..DAMN YOU globe trekking girl who will look good even after sleeping in hay with a goat!), apparently a good work out in the gym or a good swim can help you jump start the grey matter (no and shivering no, though they are good for me! I think what I find inspirational in these scenarios is one of those super cant-get-the-beat-outta-my-head-like-a-G6-songs, but only inspiring a decent cardio rate!)..and then there’s what we all fondly refer to as ‘having a life’ (somehow implying everything absolutely excluding  book reading, TV watching and general normalness) and well if you have to get ready for an hour, travel for two, and get over charged to have a semblance of a good time, you do the bloody math..

There was a time when I could look out the window of a moving cab/car/bus (ah yes I am now a luxury queen) and see all those wondrous things on the road and be overwhelmed with ideas on everything! I’d see a vacant space with a to let sign and imagine I had this really cool clothing store filled with everything I have designed and put together myself, with hand painted walls and some obscure and abstract name on the front of the store(yes I love designing my own clothes) or a beggar girl and just feel this gut wrenching sadness-anger combination for her situation and want to write about it, or just an utter lack of civic sense (you peeing, spitting disgusting man and silly bus ticket throwing girl) and off late a dad with 3 kids on his two wheeler (it’s hard to talk about this one). I don’t know how, or why.. but these things worked for me. I could feel strongly and write strongly about a sentiment it triggered in me. See I use past tense, because now I see all these wondrous possibilities on the road and its…NOTHING. I cannot act on it because I have reached a point of overwhelming plainness.. that stage where you work hard, have a routine, watch time pass you by, make plans (break each and every one with super ninja like precision)  and come home and hit the sack..

Well I am hoping that this will get my creative juices flowing. I’m going to just keep talking till that yummy new idea hits me and passes the sleep test (an idea that does not make me feel like “what were you thinking?!” when I wake up the next morning and the sunshine clarifies everything). I’m now thinking about the different people that may end up reading any of this – good friends, half friends, non-friends…hmmm maybe 1 in 3 might see this as something they can relate to. Or no one will like it. Its okay.

So coming back to conflicting principles. We as ‘young people’ are simultaneously expected to do very many things, including follow routine, work hard…blah blah blah and never ever get bored. Then somehow all that sweat and blood will land us in our mid-thirties by which time we are probably bitter about not having done more when you were younger and wondering where your life went. You sell out a bit, make some money and never really end up doing or feeling whatever it is you want to (I speak for myself, I do not have some uber fancy party in wherever, go for vacations at the drop of the hat lifestyle, though I may want to!). Urrgghh… I can’t write this properly because while it is a pretty clear concept in my mind, it just does not seem to pan out correctly here. I guess what I’m trying to say, is that you cannot be confined to your cubicle AND be inspired enough to do anything creative enough SIMULTANEOUSLY when you STILL have the ability to get creative or inspired. And when you finally can (because you have time) it’s too late! You’re in too deep and there’s no idea there!

I guess I’m generalizing or whining or both. But I am calling out for help here. Inspire me world, give me a reason!! I think I used to be able to look at anything and just spin it into an idea…but as I approach this age milestone its getting dull, and I’ve only just begun! So I will fight my routine, make something happen, make a fool of myself if I have to. But I’ll do it my way :-) in December ’10 I met a very drunk old(ish) man at an art gala in Mumbai (he turned out to be some play writer from Goa), we’d never met (thankfully because, he was on the bad side of the 'fine line' known as nut job). There were two levels to this loft like room, holding all this amazing artwork and a narrow staircase lead you to the upper level. I was going down, and he was walking up. I realized it would be best to let him go first so I give him way, but our eyes meet. He looks at me, and I could’ve sworn he had a moment of lucidity. He says ‘ you have an aura of wondrous possibilities..’ and walks away. I was surprised and amused, because maybe, he would have said that to anyone he’d met at the top of those stairs (even the waiter carry very very strong homemade vodka), but somehow, I believed him and believed it was for me.

I’m looking…yes. Looking with open arms (yoo-hoo? Wondrous possibilities I’m right here)…what do you think?